Mind stay steady
A dad who is steady is a safe place for his kids. This is how I try to stay that way: a bit of stoicism, a few ways to decompress, and some short fragments.
Stoicism, the short version
The stoics, such as Marcus Aurelius, Epictetus and Seneca, made one simple distinction: some things are up to you (your choices, effort and reactions), and most things aren't (other people, the weather, the traffic, the result). Spend your energy on the first group.
- Morning: ask what's in my control today, and what isn't.
- In the moment: pause before reacting. The gap is where a good dad is made.
- Evening: review the day. What did I do well, what would I do differently, and who needs an apology?
What stands in the way can become the way.My paraphrase of Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 5.20. His Meditations is public domain; look up a translation and read it yourself.
Decompress your own way
There's no single right way. These are the ones that work for me and cost nothing.
- Move: a run or a walk. Moving meditation counts, and it's what long runs have been for me.
- Breathe: in for four, hold for four, out for four, hold for four. Do four rounds before walking in the door after work.
- Sit still for 5 minutes: no phone. Watch your thoughts the way you'd watch traffic.
- Write it down: three lines at night. One thing that went well, one thing that didn't, one thing I'll do tomorrow.
- Get outside: sun, trees, water.
- Talk to a mate: not a lecture, just a real conversation.
If you're struggling for more than a couple of weeks, talk to your GP. In Australia you can also call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636, any time. For new parents, PANDA supports dads too.
Fragments
Short notes from the book I'm writing, A Manless Man.
Some men grow old without ever being initiated into themselves. Their sons inherit the weight and the silence, and call it normal.On men who never finished becoming men
You don't get to choose the men who came before you. You do choose whether the pattern ends with you.The first stable man in the line
It's rarely one blow that breaks a man. It's the accumulation of small, unspoken fractures, and the day he decides they're not his anymore.Near death by 999 cuts
Not medical or mental health advice. Just what works for one dad.